The past week in Denver was so much fun! However, on the long drive home, I could slowly feel my heart ache stronger and stronger, the closer we got to home. On the 4th of July, before I even got out of bed, I had a complete meltdown. With Scooter by my side, I stayed in my pajamas and watched about 37 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and cried through most of them. Sweet Lee gave me a kiss and off he went to release stress in his own style by taking a much needed bike ride that included visits to Nick's gravesite and then to several of his grandchildren. By about 4:00 p.m., I finally mustered up the courage to go to the grocery store, although uncertain if the tears had stopped and completely not sure I wouldn't cause anyone physical harm because I needed to smack someone. By the time the fireworks started, Lee and I sat on our back deck and watched the beautiful display, wondering if Nick was watching them, too. The peace in my heart has returned. I just wish I had a warning, like a soft bell letting me know I had about an hour before the emotions bust loose so I can let my family and friends know to lock me in my room, but to bring in candy every hour or so. Get the comfy pillows out, tissues nearby, remote firmly in hand and get Scooter, of course.
We are getting ready for the first annual CureSearch Walk in Salt Lake City on Saturday. There will be a little memorial ceremony for those that have passed, by releasing a balloon. I'm considering this my "soft bell" warning.
In Denver, we played at a park right next to the Columbine Memorial. We took some time to go and read all the lovely sayings, beautifully inscribed in stone. Here is one that brought a tremendous amount of joy to me:
Although we will be continuing on with WACKY events - the CureSearch Walk, the Leadville 100, the Sarcoma Walk, the charity softball tournament, etc., I have decided to stop writing on the blog after this entry. This blog has always been about Nick, his story. I feel any more writing from me ends up about it being my story, my feelings. It doesn't quite feel right as all those that knew Nick have been going through their own story in dealing with his death. Perhaps I need to have some closure in this chapter, too. We will continue to post various updates on Facebook (WACKY) and the website: www.wackywarriors.org.
On a final note, I just received a card that resonated immediately with me. It said,
"This is what passes for hope. Those we have lost invokes in us feelings of love that we didn't know we were capable of. These permanent changes are their legacies, their gifts to us. It is our task to transfer that love to those who still need us. In this way, we remain faithful to their memories."
Gordon Livingston, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart
The waves of emotion are random and intense. The beautiful thing is that I have witnessed and continue to witness the wonderful acts of kindness that take my breath away. The generosity, the kindness, the empathy, the PURE love of all those that surround me, are gifts I would never have known without being Nick's mom. Not just for Nick, but for many others that are in need. Because of these acts, I will remain faithful to his memory. Because of Him, I am able to do so.
With love,
Lori
