The past week in Denver was so much fun! However, on the long drive home, I could slowly feel my heart ache stronger and stronger, the closer we got to home. On the 4th of July, before I even got out of bed, I had a complete meltdown. With Scooter by my side, I stayed in my pajamas and watched about 37 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and cried through most of them. Sweet Lee gave me a kiss and off he went to release stress in his own style by taking a much needed bike ride that included visits to Nick's gravesite and then to several of his grandchildren. By about 4:00 p.m., I finally mustered up the courage to go to the grocery store, although uncertain if the tears had stopped and completely not sure I wouldn't cause anyone physical harm because I needed to smack someone. By the time the fireworks started, Lee and I sat on our back deck and watched the beautiful display, wondering if Nick was watching them, too. The peace in my heart has returned. I just wish I had a warning, like a soft bell letting me know I had about an hour before the emotions bust loose so I can let my family and friends know to lock me in my room, but to bring in candy every hour or so. Get the comfy pillows out, tissues nearby, remote firmly in hand and get Scooter, of course.
We are getting ready for the first annual CureSearch Walk in Salt Lake City on Saturday. There will be a little memorial ceremony for those that have passed, by releasing a balloon. I'm considering this my "soft bell" warning.
In Denver, we played at a park right next to the Columbine Memorial. We took some time to go and read all the lovely sayings, beautifully inscribed in stone. Here is one that brought a tremendous amount of joy to me:
Although we will be continuing on with WACKY events - the CureSearch Walk, the Leadville 100, the Sarcoma Walk, the charity softball tournament, etc., I have decided to stop writing on the blog after this entry. This blog has always been about Nick, his story. I feel any more writing from me ends up about it being my story, my feelings. It doesn't quite feel right as all those that knew Nick have been going through their own story in dealing with his death. Perhaps I need to have some closure in this chapter, too. We will continue to post various updates on Facebook (WACKY) and the website: www.wackywarriors.org.
On a final note, I just received a card that resonated immediately with me. It said,
"This is what passes for hope. Those we have lost invokes in us feelings of love that we didn't know we were capable of. These permanent changes are their legacies, their gifts to us. It is our task to transfer that love to those who still need us. In this way, we remain faithful to their memories."
Gordon Livingston, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart
The waves of emotion are random and intense. The beautiful thing is that I have witnessed and continue to witness the wonderful acts of kindness that take my breath away. The generosity, the kindness, the empathy, the PURE love of all those that surround me, are gifts I would never have known without being Nick's mom. Not just for Nick, but for many others that are in need. Because of these acts, I will remain faithful to his memory. Because of Him, I am able to do so.
With love,
Lori
7 comments:
You are an amazing woman, and mother. I love reading your posts, and I'm sure others do as well!! It helps us all feel closer to Nick through your words and thoughts! Nick was such a great friend and I look up to him and you family more than you know! Thanks for sharing such an amazing son and angel with us all!
Dear Lori,
I can not even imagine.... well, I do imagine at my low moments, but still don't know exactly how it feels. I know you miss Nick with every fiber of your being and I think you are amazing for coping much better than I could. I am proud of you for continuing to fight for others, and the amazing amount of money you raised!!!
I am thinking of you.
Love,
Sarah (Vinny's Mom)
It is with lump in my throat that I say goodbye to Nick's blog. Your eloquent writing has sustained us all through this journey. Love poured out from each posting. I am happy Nick isn't making trips to the hospital any more but I'm sad that I can't sit and visit with him. I miss him. Sending healing and comforting angels to you in the hope they will help ease your pain. Always in my heart and always by your side. GM Jennie xxxx
Dear Lori and family,
A farewell to My War Wtih Cancer and prayerful support of wackywarriors.org. May God be your "soft bell" warning and the Holy Spirit your comforter.
Godspeed.
aunt Chris
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings through your blog. I know it must have been so hard, but I greatly appreciate it. Nick was an amazing friend, and example. Thank you for always keeping us updated, and letting us have a glimpse into your daily lives.
Much love,
Julia
Lori,
The majority of the blogs on this site have been from you and the connection that people experienced on this blog was a mother's life giving nuturing for her child. You have touched many people deeply with your faith and determination to give Nick a fabulous life over the past few years - and Nick had that. You never gave up. You fought hard. You never quit when many of us would have. You were brave and courageous - the ultimate mother lion.
Lori, many people lose their child, their brother their sister. Death and grief are hidden in our society so we hide our grief. Thank you for sharing yours. I've continued to read your blog because I am checking in to see that you are ok. and, you are. This grief will subside but last for years and years. You will tell people when they ask, "I have three children." and you will say it in the present tense and Nick will smile upon you and give you a smile and a thumbs up. You will heal from this grief but it will be physically and emotionally painful. I do ask that you find some space to listen to Carly and Kelsey that do not feel alone with their grief. You have three amazing children - all different, all unique, and all love you deeply. Be there for them too. You are very blessed to have Lee who loves you too. All the best and may God continue to always shine on you and your family.
Thanks for leaving your blog online. My son earned his angel wings a month after he was diagnosed with rhabdo, almost 4 months ago. I hurt so badly and am in such pain, it does help to know that other people are surviving with this huge hole ripped out of their heart, like mine. It helps me to read about my son's fellow angels, and that you are doing constructive things with your grief to help fight this horrid disease. Thank you, a grieving mom from Israel
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