Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Today is hard...

Nick's latest round has really taken a toll on him. On Friday, the last day of the cycle, he said to me with weary eyes and a heavy sigh, "I'm done. I don't want to do anymore chemo. Set up an appointment with Dr. Gouw." As of last night, he proclaimed this is the worst he has felt through his entire treatment. His fatigue is off the charts; he has to stop to climb a flight of stairs; he now has significant stomach aches. As a mom, this is difficult to witness - a very helpless feeling floods through me. One day at a time, I keep saying, but today I'm sad.

He isn't, however, depressed. His spirits are fairly good and the teasing element is high. He isn't throwing in the towel, either. Long term, he fully plans on participating as an athlete with Team Beyond Cancer in their triathlon races next summer. Short term, if his counts hang in there, he is going on a buffalo round-up with our friend, Colin Fryer, at Antelope Island on Friday, Saturday & Sunday. They are bringing a camper and horses, so Nick can crash if he gets pooped during the day. He is so excited!

We have an appointment with Dr. Gouw tomorrow morning to discuss Nick's concerns and options. I'm not looking forward to this conversation. We will support Nick in whatever decision or path he chooses. I guess the difficult part is that there are no absolutes, no wrong or right, no certainties, no comparisons. My prayers today are that our Heavenly Father wraps our family in a big, fat bear hug, full of hope and comfort, and that Nick will make the decision that is best for him.

I'm also reminded to pray for other rhabdo warriors. Our friend Lisa is struggling with one setback after another and two young girls have relapsed. I pray our doctors are learning with each current setback to help others in the future. I'm a little weary of cancer today.



Anonymous said...

Nick my friend - whatever your choices, I am behind you all the way. My love and support to all of you is always there. I pray that your meeting tomorrow with Dr. Gouw will help you. I am sending you lots of healing and strength. I want to hear some great stories about the buffalo round-up!!!!
So sunshine - are you excited about the Yankees??!! I have an extra Yankees hat!!
Chat soon - love GM Jennie x

Obsessedwithlife said...

Sending prayers, as I have been there myself...not fun.

Beth said...

Nick and Lori and Lee and the rest of you - I have been off email for over two weeks on a cruise with my beloved in Europe, overeating and sleeping in while you have been going through chemo together. The Card Fairy work was done before we left, not knowing how you would fare. While I KNOW the big, fat, God-bear-hug arms have been around you, please feel mine around you from Rome tonight. My eyes are wet after reading the 27th post. I will see Nick on a horse this weekend in my bedtime prayers. Beth

Chris Ulvin said...

Dear Lori, Nick, Todd, Dr. Gouw, Carly, Kelsey, Lee, Family, and Friends;
As I pray, images of all of you flash through my mind and fall heavy on my heart. Then God's unconditional love fills me - first with joy. I am joyful in all the laughs, humor, and "living life large" (buffalo round-up?)that Nick's cancer fight holds. Next God fills me with hope. I am hopeful in the miracles Nick has experienced. Many are mentioned in this blog, most I'll never know about until God reveals them to me in heaven. Lastly, God strenghtens my faith. In faith, I ask God's for His healing hands on Nick, for God's discernment in all decisions to be made by Nick, for God's blessings covering all connected to Nick.
In joy, hope, faith, and love.
Aunt Chris

Anonymous said...

Prayers and thoughts are always with your guys.. I pray that God does in deed give you that great big bear hug that you are so in need of.
love you to all.

Chris Ulvin said...

Dear Nick,
Prayers for you tonight - and hugs in my heart for your mom.
Love, aunt Chris